My Redemption

Paula IlochiBlog Posts, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

This is for all the mothers who ever questioned if their labor of love was enough.

It’s amazing how something so perfect can be birthed from so much pain.

It’s 6:30am and I wake up to little slaps across my face accompanied with giggles. “Mommy, it’s time to wake up!” I can imagine my toddler saying as he playfully jumps on me while playing hide and seek with the comforter. It’s amazing how this time last year our most valuable items were in a suitcase. We were essentially homeless, living with friends and family in search for normalcy. There were days the only strength I could muster was a forced half smile while watching my little one dancing like no one was watching. He didn’t need music. He danced to his own beat.

October of 2019, we relocated to the mainland from Hawaii and I found myself in employment limbo. My mental health was failing daily and my marriage was failing even quicker. I would wake up daily because I had to. My day consisted of waking up, praying, changing and feeding my baby, applying to endless jobs I was overqualified for while dreaming of starting my own business. Finally, I would put baby down for a nap and check my bank account excessively as if somehow an extra 0 would get added to my malnourished account. I would make a checklist of necessities I had to purchase while trying to figure out how not to let my close family and friends into the fact that my finances, marriage and mental health were in ruins.

The Tides Were Shifting….

“Momma! Look!” It’s now noon and my son is excitingly showing me a new “backflip” he was attempting to master. I smile and nod in approval as he innocently flails about in pure enjoyment. Its moments like these that I realize how blessed I am. Just a year following my separation, I managed to build a budding empire for myself and my son. One day I woke up and decided that my energy and emotions were a choice. I decided that sitting in sadness would not change my situation or my environment any quicker. I decided to put forth that pain and hurt into my passion. So in April of 2020 I decided I would never go back to a typical 9-5 and began to manifest our new life. And boy, did it come to past.

You see, it’s when we are in positions of hopelessness, pain and weakness that our strengths become magnified. To my son, I am “momma”. To my son, I am a super hero. To my son, I am peace and comfort. I began to see myself through his eyes. If someone so innocent could find such solace in my brokenness then why couldn’t I see this in myself? When I became a mother, something shifted both internally and externally. The life force within me that shared my blood source empowered me while I nourished him. Therefore, I couldn’t fail. How can you fail when you are destined to win?

My story of redemption came through my bloodline.

My story of redemption came through my unwillingness to give up.

 

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